If you haven’t noticed already recently I have been mixing things up, being more creative with my shots and trying new things. I think it is so easy as a blogger to get so bogged down with the fact that you need to post content everyday to keep your followers engaged that sometimes you post content that doesn’t necessarily inspire you or is your best work but you still post it regardless. This year I wanted to make a change. Every post this year is going to be full of creativity, fun and engaging content that I myself would double tap for! But there has always been things stopping me from being exactly who I am and creating the content I want to in the best way possible…

I started instagram because I wanted to try and create something new that made colour, being ginger and different cool. If I had someone who was similar to me to look up to when I was younger I feel like I would of embraced who I was a lot sooner and not worried so much about fitting in. I have never fitted in or been like a lot of people my age. I’ve always struggled to make friends, to communicate properly with people and to just be a “regular” human. I find it incredibly hard to take in information, to absorb what is going on around me and to take things in in general. Then there is my concentration span. That is non existent. If it requires more than twenty minutes of me having to sit still or concentration I physically can’t do it. My brain won’t let me.

Some people love writing and reading, others are more hands on and creative. I am definitely the later. I really struggle with writing and reading. Even now, I will write down all these thoughts, what I am thinking, but I will not have the brain span or concentration to read it back. So if this makes no sense then I apologise in advance. I have tried.

These are all things I have noticed from a young age but just brushed under the carpet, not paid much attention to even acknowledged for a long time but now I really notice it. It affects me on a daily basis and is something that seriously lingers over my head. It is something I have never told anyone these things, they have been something that I have kept to myself. Through fear of people alienising me, thinking I am weird or that I am thick. Forever thinking maybe if I don’t say anything then it isn’t real or if I told people they would look at me differently.

Things such as social situations I find beyond daunting. I seem super chatty on youtube and on Instagram but put me in a room of people that I have to network with or speak with for social reasons and it fills me with dread. Absolute panic and something inside that fills me with dread. People often think I am rude or stand offish but that isn’t the case at all. I just inwardly panic about everything. Things that I shouldn’t panic about, shouldn’t worry about. But I do. Things that are out of control. I worry about people liking me, people thinking I am a nice person.

I have never thought about getting a diagnosis or anything because I don’t really know what I would do with it to be honest. Whether it would make things easier or not to be honest. But I am aware of it. I am aware that I struggle and muddle through things, but I am going to get a diagnosis because I think it will help me to understand things a lot clearer and give me answers to many questions I have about myself.

Don’t get me wrong I would love to have more of an attention span, for words not to jumble around on the page but it is the way my brain is. Everyone is different. I haven’t even touched on the fact that words jump around when I read. Looking back at my childhood when you were given a book to read or something online to read I would always have a bookmark under the line I was reading to combat it. But I thought that was normal. It was what everyone else did. But looking back, maybe they didn’t.

Another thing that I have always noticed. That I am noticing even more now is that my brain is rather childish. I am more drawn to kids things than adults, I would much rather watch a disney film than a hard hitting drama and when I do watch something crime related my dreams turn into nightmares for weeks and I mean weeks. I don’t know if this is all related but they are all things I have noticed.

Writing this is making me get a little teary actually but I find writing about how I feel therapeutic. It is important to tell you all what I am going through as if this helps one person then it is all worth while. You are not alone. Everyone deals with things differently, everyone’s brain works differently and that is okay. It changes the way you think and see things and learn but you just have to find the best way to combat those struggles and what you find tricky a little bit easier.

All routes and answers seem to lead to the fact that I might be dyslexic. I have done online tests and they are pointing that way so I am going to make an appointment at the doctors and find some sort of answer as to why I am the way I am.

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